If you've ever had the misfortune of being bullied by a girl, or been at the receiving end of any sort of passive or relational aggression, then you will know the pain caused by other people's 'jokes'. You know the kind I mean. The ones that are actually spiteful, nasty, insulting and often deliberately hurtful comments.
It usually comes completely out of the blue - at least, at that moment it is a surprise blow, even if the bullying has been taking place for a while. This type of behaviour is often pretty clandestine. The term 'two-faced' was defined for people like this. You'll be involved in a seemingly relaxed conversation and you casually make a remark that is a little self-deprecating. Apparently the ability to laugh at yourself is vital for a balanced, happy existence, so why not? You feel comfortable enough with the people you're with to be able to do this. Or perhaps you don't make such a comment at all - perhaps you simply admit to a weakness, a lack of confidence or lack of ability. Nevertheless, you don't expect what comes next.
At this point the bully will take advantage of your words to throw them back at you. The 'joke' is typically a comment that sleights you, insults you, puts you down. It may be sarcastic, or it may be delivered with a smile. But it is cutting. You reel at the shock of what you've just heard because you can't believe that someone you trust could deliberately hurt you that way, or that those around you who may have heard could accept your being subjected to such obviously malicious remarks. There is usually a pause that is sufficiently long as to fully drive home the knife by the perpetrator, who is commonly found to be wearing a smile at this point.
And then the coup de grace: 'Just Joking!'
How is it funny to poke at someone's weaknesses and insecurities to their face? Nobody laughed at any point, so is it still a joke? Commonly, the behaviour of this person towards you the rest of the time is sufficiently antagonistic as to belie any facade of friendship or camaraderie that might allow them to be so close to you as to not cause you pain by such words, but they are often close enough to you that if you dare to object they can play at being outraged enough to fool those around them.
This is a much used and deliberate game designed to wound freely and usually in public without any threat of reprimand or any recourse for the victim. By slipping in that comment at the end they ensure that, if you are to maintain any sense of civility, you cannot retaliate in any way. It is nasty and manipulative, and cannot be undertaken accidentally.
My partner's daughter does this often. It is a regular part of our relationship. To date, no one has called her up on it and any time I have tried to appeal to her father or grandparents for aid in putting a stop to the behaviour I am told that I am overreacting or have misunderstood an attempt at friendship.
My arse.
If you state that you are bad at something and someone else responds: 'Good', then that's no attempt at friendship. Especially when it's followed by silence and a grin. Nevertheless, I encouraged my partner and the children to arrange to do the very thing I was terrible at because I knew they'd enjoy it. Why should being bad at something stop you from enjoying it? All that matters is that everyone has fun, right? Besides, Angelica's 'Only joking' remark had been followed by her insisting that I *must* join them, it'd be great.
The following morning I came down with a cold and couldn't go after all. My partner wanted us all to stay but I insisted he go and not disappoint the children. After all, they'd have no fun here with me while I was ill, and it would be another opportunity for them to be alone with their father. So he went to wake the children.
The first thing Angelica said when she was woken was: 'Is Medea going?' Only when it had been established that I wouldn't be going, did she agree to go.
How is that friendship? And from which angle exactly is it funny?
