On blogging...

Lots of the people who write blogs that I read religiously are beginning to make them private. This has led me to think about exactly how private blogs really are, and how vulnerable we make ourselves when we blog.

I realise, reading back over my other posts that the person I project when I write is not the real me. However, as the writer of 'A New Beginning' points out, blogging is often about allowing someone a place to vent safely without being judged. How you will respond in person is very different to how you respond to an event, or react to a situation when you discuss it in a blog. On your own blog, you are able to voice all those tiny demons that eat away at your thoughts without fear of reprisal, judgement or criticism. At least that's what we hope when we write. In reality, the minute you press that 'publish' button to share your thoughts with the ether you allow a million others, most of them strangers, to see you, sometimes at your worst, and cast judgment on your thoughts. Not fair, but not unreasonable.

Personally, I love to read blogs. Especially those of others who are in similar situations to myself, in order to feel a little less lonely in my angst. I also like to write when I'm upset. It's cathartic to see your thoughts in print, and it allows you to respond calmly to those around you as you've already vented your feelings elsewhere, where you couldn't hurt them with your words. However, I am also terrified of being judged. I love having other people comment on my blog as it makes me feel validated in my reactions, even when I know I'm being more extreme than I should be - but I'm also more than a little afraid every time I look in case someone judges me badly, misunderstands my motives, or just doesn't like me. Even though I know this isn't the real me, or all of the real me, I still want people to like me. Who doesn't? I know that I would think twice about leaving a hurtful comment on anyone's blog, but there are plenty of people out there who feel liberated by the anonymity of the internet and use it to express forthright opinions on others with less care than they might exercise face to face.

I am also a lurker. The world of blogging can open up opportunities for friendships that might never otherwise have existed, but I sometimes find it difficult to comment freely for the first time in case I'm not welcome. So I have been faithfully reading many blogs for a long time without leaving comment. However, I think I have been allowing fear to rule my life for far too long, so I've begun to be brave and introduce myself. In the interests of openness and honesty, then, I thought I'd do the same here - albeit with a view to blanketing some of those details that might compromise my own anonymity to BM etc.

I like reading. Love it. I can devour books like they're candy. I also like candy, especially tangfastics and those old packs of popping candy you used to be able to buy freely at local stores. I adore food and there's almost nothing I won't eat - tripe being a notable exception. I love wearing killer heels, but my feet love comfy flats. I prefer Margaret Atwood to Jean Auel, but only when I'm feeling happy enough to cope with her, and have been known to curl up with a soppy romance and a glass of red when I think no one will catch me.

I like movies, and sports, and Brad Pitt. Would buy Benefit and Guerlain makeup constantly if I could afford it, but often can't. I love to buy presents and live for the smile on the recipient's face. It makes me happy. As does bouncy music and milk chocolate and endless summer days spent with friends and ice-cream. I'm hopelessly neurotic but fiercely loyal; and hopefully becoming braver everyday....