Back when we first moved in, whenever Angelica kicked off and had a strop, or was nasty to people and stomped off, I would go up to see her later in the evening to talk through what was bothering her - once upon a time, she liked me. Then she would complain to me about pretty much everything and everyone. I know this is part of being a teenager. So I listened, was sympathetic, offered possible options, solutions, or tried to find out what we could do to make things better.
One of the things she complained about most vociferously was that her brother was treated faaaar better than she was (in her opinion). She admitted that this was especially true at her mother's house, where she was required to undertake many chores and he was required to do none. I had not noticed any unfairness in the way the two children were treated - we didn't ask them to do any regular chores, although Jason occasionally got Mark to set the table and clear it at meal times, and Angelica occasionally helped him. Anyway, I promised to keep an eye out for it but said that we couldn't affect the rules at her mother's house.
Cut to a meal some time later where Jason asked Mark to clear the table after dinner. Mark agreed but immediately launched into an excited retelling of something that had happened at school that day. Angelica groaned loudly and began clearing the table.
Jason asked her to stop, please, because he would like Mark to do it. Angelica says "But he's not doing it!" Mark says that he will do it as soon as he's finished his story, which he's still really excited about - he hasn't seen his father in three days and soooo much has happened since then!
Angelica groans again and continues to clear the table despite Jason's protests. So we all get up to clear the table together and Mark tells his story while we do it. Then Jason tells the children that he would particularly like Mark to do the drying up as a chore for the weekend. Mark agrees and picks up a tea towel. I always try to do the washing up to give at least one of the kids additional time alone with their father after dinner. Jason wanders into the living room and Mark and I set about the dishes.
Angelica approaches Mark and asks him to move his bag which is currently lying on top of hers in the dining room, about 5 steps away from her. Marks promises to do it as soon as he's finished. Angelica insists that she wants it moved right now as it's on top of her things.
"But I'm drying up!" says Mark
"I don't care! Move it now it's crushing my clothes!" Angelica is shouting by now.
So Mark drops the tea towel and goes to move his bag. Angelica then steps in to take the tea towel and continue drying up.
I ask her to leave it as Jason asked Mark to do it. She smiles. And ignores me. And continues. Mark returns and asks her to give him back the tea towel so that he can continue with his chore. She ignores him too.
I remind her of the fact that she complained about Mark not having to do as many chores as she did. I point out that this is one of those occasions where we're trying to keep things equitable between them, as she wanted, and could she please give Mark back the tea towel and go relax in the living room. She keeps smiling. And ignoring me. And drying up. Badly.
I point out that she can go and spend time alone with her father, and how she once said she wanted more time with him to herself. Again, she keeps smiling and ignoring me.
In total I asked her five times, calmly and kindly, while Mark was also asking her, not so calmly but not unkindly and she ignored both of us until the last time I asked when Jason came into the kitchen to see what was going on. Then she slowly put down the tea towel, grin still on face and said "But he doesn't do it properly...." quietly, before going to put her arms around her father and take him away, lest either Mark or I explain what was happening.
Later, it occurs to me that I should have asked once, and then left myself, with Mark in tow, to spend time with Jason ourselves, and let her do the washing up too.
Maybe next time.
I pray there won't be a next time.
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